10 Facts about the Capybara, the World's Largest Rodent (Excluding My Bitch Wife)

Deep in the jungles of the Amazon, far away from human civilization, lurks one of the strangest creatures on the planet: the noble capybara. Weighing in at around 145 pounds, it’s the largest rodent in the world. That is of course if you don't count my bitch of a wife Janet, who left me at home while she went to Colorado Springs on a “business trip” with her 6’3 boss Andrew.

Yes, it's hard to imagine that these behemoths are related to rats and mice, but they do plenty of sneaking around too, just like Janet and her personal trainer Javier. So without further ado, here are 10 need-to-know facts about the capybara:

1. Capybaras are autocoprophagous. This means they eat their own feces as a source of bacterial gut flora to help digest the cellulose in the grass that forms their normal diet. My wife is also constantly full of shit.

2. Most of the capybaras in the world live in Brazil, Colombia, and Venezuela. My wife is not from any of these countries, but she has had several lovers from the Latin world.

3. Much like dogs, capybaras make barking noises. Janet is a dog, she's a damn dog. I’d never call a woman a dog, but Janet is an exception.

4. Capybaras only mate in water, which is pretty kinky of them. That bitch Janet is also into weird sex stuff, or so I’ve heard.

5. Capybaras have scent glands called morillos located on their snouts. Janet has a snout, because, and I really just wanna emphasize this, she is a dog.

6. Unfortunately, these sweet creatures are hunted to make grease from their thick fatty skin. Janet went hunting one time, shot me in the leg. She insisted it was an accident but I don't buy it.

7. In parts of South America, especially in Venezuela, capybara meat is popular during Lent and Holy Week because, while other meats are generally forbidden during that time, the Catholic Church issued special dispensation to allow its consumption. In contrast, my wife is anything but sacred in God’s eyes.

8. These rodents are semiaquatic. They live in forested areas near lakes, rivers, and especially marshes. Janet never really enjoyed swimming. She doesn’ really enjoy much except making me a cuckold.

9. The average lifespan of a capybara is 8-10 years. Meanwhile I’ve wasted about that long married to fucking Janet.

10. Mother capybaras lay litters of four pups on average. My wife refuses to bear me even one child; she doesn’t think I’m responsible enough. God… I just want her back.