Recently, there has been a lot of news regarding some of America’s favorite musicians. In light of this news, it is easy to create a correlation between talent and heinous acts. As an avid music listener, and the proud recipient of a January 2019 antibiotic prescription for pneumonia, I am confident that I can provide our readers with some decent, and safe, musical alternatives. I can not guarantee that these musicians are talented, but they sure as hell have never been arrested.
JoJo: I know what you’re thinking, “who the hell is JoJo?” Exactly. JoJo was popular briefly in 2006 for her single entitled, “Too Little Too Late.” She went on to star in Aquamarine, which is the Citizen Kane of mermaid movies. From there, she decided to partake in normal shit, like going to college. In conclusion, it’s really not “too late” to start listening to this painfully ordinary singer.
Niall Horan: You remember Niall. He was the blonde guy in One Direction--the stylish Irish of the band. Well, you can rest assured that the closest Niall has ever come to meeting with a judge was by watching a Judge Judy marathon. And while we’re on the topic, isn’t Judy Sheindlin something else? What a queen. Anyway, listen to Niall if you don’t want to feel guilt permeate throughout your body.
The Guy That Plays Guitar In Rascal Flatts: Life is a highway, and I want to watch this guy jam out for an extended period of time! What a keeper! No, he doesn’t have a solo career, but if you listen to the instrumental versions of Rascal Flatts songs, you can hear this country god shine. Bleached tips and guitar riffs--I’m ready to feel somewhat fulfilled.
Barry White: Dum Dum Da Dum Dum Da Dum Dum Da Dum Da Dum Dum Dum...Barry, you’re definitely not my first, or my everything, but you’ll suffice for the time being. Barry is the king of love songs, but why not give him a chance to compete against these problematic trap rappers? Yes, imagine a nightclub where “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe” is on repeat. Sure, it won’t be the best time, but it will surely be the safest.
ABBA: Ugh, yes! Finally a well-known group. These Swedish stars are just as universally loved as those Swedish-caught red fish thingys. Face 20,000 of your friends and tell them that ABBA is still a thing! They’re just so dedicated to disco and obeying the law! You’ll be a super trouper for doing this.
Whoever Wrote That State Farm Song: I’m not even going to explain this one because you know damn well that when this shit comes on your television you HAVE to sing along. We are all farmers at heart...dum da dum dum dum da dum.
Joe Jackson: Don’t worry, this Jackson has absolutely no relation to Michael. Yes, we are talking about the British Joe Jackson. Joe Jackson is interesting in that he created an album that features no guitars because he “doesn’t like guitars.” We love a man who sticks to his word, but also a man who isn’t into creepy shit. Go give Joe a listen, then maybe turn him off for a little bit, and then turn him on again once you’ve cleansed your palate.