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Bar Goers Stay Warm in Line By Harvesting Warmth of Dead Coasties

With classes cancelled due to extreme cold through Thursday morning, many UW-Madison students took to the bars Wednesday night. Unfortunately, not all of them made it back. Students from Southern California were not equipped to deal with the -25 Fahrenheit of bar lines, and more opportunistic students used their wits and carved into the dead to feed off the lingering heat of their insides.

"Their Canada Goose Jackets couldn't save them," said Michael Turner while in line at Plaza Tavern. "But the residual heat from their internal organs could save me."

UWPD is aware of the deaths but is allowing students to make the most of the situation before clearing out the bodies and determining whether or not this was legal.

"I mean, they were already dead, right?" said UWPD Officer Ashely Finnegan. "What's the harm in letting their friends take advantage of their poor choices and practice responsible cold weather behavior?"

Reports from inside Plaza Tavern indicate that nearly every customer is pouring one out for their personal meat-bag-body-heaters, hoping that they're warmer in the afterlife.


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