America has been left reeling after receiving the news that President Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for COVID-19. Conservatives are trying to reconcile how an intelligent man like Trump can fall for the liberal hoax, and liberals are dancing in the streets. During all of the mixed reactions, however, everyone in the nation is shocked by the same thing: Melania has gotten within 6 feet of her husband.
A recent study by CNN found that 98% of Americans agreed that “logically, there is no reason for Trump and his wife to be in the same room,” so everyone is struggling to rationalize how this could have happened.
Local liberal Katelyn Montgomery has a theory on the matter.
“I mean, maybe this means that Melania is on our side! I choose to believe that she purposely contracted the virus and gave it to him in attempted murder,” said Montgomery. “For the sake of her sanity, I’m hoping she only got within 5 feet of him. Any closer would just be yucky.”
Many conservative men have gone the opposite direction in hopes of keeping their idol’s masculine integrity intact.
“The thing I’ve always liked about Trump is that he doesn’t care about his bitch wife, just like me,” said Republican Larry Polowski. “Maybe he just had to get real close because she hadn’t been cooking like she’s supposed to, and he needed to give her a talking-to. I know I like to get real close when reprimanding a woman, too!”
Whatever the reason may be, Americans nationwide are feeling destabilized by the horrific implication that the married couple may have come in contact with each other. The country’s top marriage psychologists are working tirelessly to find a way to prevent this from happening again.