top of page

Dorm mates begin to work out masturbation schedule

Three days into classes, Witte roommates Brian Kurt and Alex DiAngelo are in the early stages of determining when exactly they can masturbate in their shared room throughout the week.

In their room is a dry erase calendar, on which the red marker denotes Kurt’s jack-off time and the blue marker indicates DiAngelo’s turn.

“Alright, on Tuesdays I have a 30 minute window to squeeze in some squeezin,” said Kurt. “It’s a bit of a rush, but I can make it work.”

“I can yank it pretty much whenever I want on the 2nd Wednesday of every month,” said DiAngelo. “Other than that I don’t have many open time slots, so I guess I’ll have to make it a marathon session.”

According to their system, they each get two ‘emergency orgasms’ in case one is feeling especially desperate. The masturbator will notify masturbatee by sending a text that says ‘Gotta cum NOW!’. DiAngelo says he wants to save his ‘emergency orgasms’ for after stressful exams, but Kurt says he’s just gonna let his horny lil mind make the decisions for him.

There are no reports of any plan in place in the event that one of them brings a girl home, which is probably for the best.


bottom of page