Eggs, a staple ingredient in much of modern day cuisine, the backbone of breakfast, and perhaps the answer to one of the world’s oldest questions – what came first, the chicken or the egg? There is no such man who adores eggs more than self-proclaimed “eggaholic” Sir Eggsbert Ovaman. Ovaman’s diet consists of only eggs, which he insists are incredibly healthy and entirely make up the only food group – the egg group. Recently, Ovaman decided to spread his egg-based ideology to the local British orphan population living in the gutters of Madison.
“Eggs bring forth eternal life, we all used to be eggs. That’s why I eat eggs. Eggs are the forthbringers of life, and by eating them, I gain vitality and youth,” Ovaman told Misnomer reporters earlier this week.
Ovaman claims to be over one thousand years old and his big bald head would have you believe it, but birth records indicate that he is actually 29.
When asked why he chose to share his wisdom to the filthy little British street rats of Madison, Ovaman had this to say, “I chose to reach out to those orphans because I could see that they were lost. With the guidance of eggs, they could stop being smelly and poor. Maybe they would get adopted if they ate eggs. Their pores should ooze with yolk, not coal.”
Despite the fact that there are no coal mines in Madison, those putride vermin still manage to get their poverty ridden faces covered in coal. A pair of anthropology students who are working to receive their PhDs here at UW Madison, have begun to investigate why these grotesque freaks always have coal on their faces. Their initial research has found that coal covered faces are simply an innately British Orphan quality, as well as being stupid and dumb.
Little Billy, a nine year old British orphan, was quite chipper when talking with our reporters about Ovaman and his eggcentricities. “Ovaman, the egg man. He’s a fine chap! Comes and gives us poor fellows eggs from time to time. I can see why he likes them, they are pretty tasty.”
Before the Misnomer was able to ask for further comment one of the mean rich British kids rolled up on his expensive red bike to Little Billy and his posse of fellow orphans and started hurling rocks and insults at them. The orphans tried to shield themselves but the rocks continued to pummel them until the rich British child peddled away laughing.
“I hate that guy! He’s so rude!” Little Billy shouted before picking up his dirty cap off the street, dusting it off, and putting it back on his small head. “Thankfully I still have my eggs.” Little Billy opened his satchel to reveal six eggs and passed out one to each of the orphans.
“Oh boy! I sure do love eggs!” proclaimed one of the disgusting brats before peeling off the shell and eating the hardboiled egg in one big gulp. The brat then rubbed his belly with satisfaction.
“Mmm hmm!” a third troglodyte agreed, making a big gulping sound as he ate his egg.
Having instilled the good word among these local British orphans, Ovaman plans to continue spreading his teachings to students on campus as well. “Those college kids need their eggs! You can’t learn on an eggless stomach!”