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Frat cheers Kavanaugh up with consolation bid

Calling him an “inspiration” and “an idol for all of frat-kind to look up to”, the UW chapter of fraternity Gamma Upsilon offered Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh an honorary bid on Friday, after the Senate Judiciary Committee delayed his nomination to the Supreme Court so that an FBI probe could take place.

Chapter president Brock Hunter said he and his brothers were moved to extend Kavanaugh the honor not by his political successes or legal credentials, but by his ability to achieve all that and be “a pretty sick party man with some mad game, bro.”

“Look, it’s been obvious for a while that Brett’s a real bro,” said Hunter. “Ever since this chick Julie came out with this “gang rape” stuff, we knew he was one of us. I mean, lining up outside a bedroom to take turns on a drunk chick? That’s respecting a brother’s privacy and demonstrating some business-school-level efficiency! Like, that’s the kind of mastery you really only get from a pro, from true dedication to the craft.

“Plus, I feel bad for the guy. Being denied a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land, where his decisions will affect people in this country potentially for centuries to come, and all because of a little light partying? Being forced to relive things that happened decades ago that he’s tried to put behind him but can’t escape, all in the name of duty? I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been. Dude at least deserves something out of all this,” Hunter said.

Brother Archer Donovan also cited Kavanaugh’s “versatility” as a factor in the bid offer. “I would say he’s demonstrated a willingness to take initiative, an ability to work well with others…plus, I mean, scoring a chick when you’re stuck together on a boat with no conceivable method of escape? That shit’s inspired, man.”

Hunter said Kavanaugh’s “clear respect for consuming dangerous amounts of shitty alcohol” and “ability to always be the douchiest white guy in the room, even in a room full of Congressmen” factored into the fraternity’s decision.

“Nah, we haven’t heard back from him yet, man,” admitted Hunter, “but I think inducting Brett fucking Kavanaugh, Bro Supreme, into Gamma Upsilon would be the highlight of my presidency, even if he’s not one of the most powerful lawyers in the country.”


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