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Freshman Buys Football Tickets for Low Cost of Virginity

Football season has returned to the city of Madison! With a new season comes the same problems for the ungodly swarm of freshmen looking to get in on what they’re told is the ultimate expression of school spirit. Secondhand tickets are incredibly pricey, forcing new students to find creative ways to get their seats in the stadium.

One lucky freshman, Chad, was able to find the deal of a lifetime via Craigslist: “Wisco football tixxx for sale- price negotiable ;)”. Assuming he’d be able to beg and plead his way to a low price, Chad jumped on the offer. However, when Chad reached the ticket seller’s apartment and found him wearing only a bathrobe, he knew he was mistaken.

“When I messaged the guy on Craigslist, he said if I didn't have enough cash for the ticket, there were other ways I could pay... I thought he meant Wiscard.” A very damp hour followed with the 40-year-old UW alumn, after which the freshman emerged disheveled and clutching a ticket to the UW-Kent State game (which he heard was the “game of the season”).

“At SOAR they said college is all about new experiences, but I don’t think this is what my advisor meant,” said Chad after learning a bit more than he bargained for about the sounds, smells, and crevices of a middle-aged man. “He kept asking me to “Jump Around,” but I thought they just did that at football games.”

While clearly frazzled by the acts he had to perform in order to get hammered at nine in the morning, Chad is taking it in stride: “Sure I’ve got to burn my clothes, block the guy on my phone, and avoid looking at myself in the mirror for a while, but I saved at least $50!”

UW Freshmen are becoming increasingly desperate as ticket prices rise across the board. While a few are resorting to prostitution, freshmen are trading Juul pods, lanyards, and Whiteclaws in order to get a spot at Camp Randall.


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