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Global climate change causes increase in malaria, February dartying

Researchers at University of Wisconsin published two studies Friday concluding that two phenomena, malaria and dartying in February, have risen to unusual levels in response to human-caused global warming.

Malaria, a life-threatening blood disease infecting more than 300 million people per year, typically infects humans via bites from female Anopheles mosquitoes. The study showed an increase infection rates in the highlands of sub Saharan Africa, which correlates strongly with the increasing average global temperature.

In addition to the malaria findings, “Dartying,” a portmanteau of “day” and “party,” was addressed in a sociological study. During the unprecedented warm, sunny days this past week, one needed not look far from their own front door to witness the noticeable effect of the weather on daytime parties in Madison.

“We saw reports of dartying increase sharply this February,” Ralph Warington said, a sociology professor at UW. “We saw a 500% increase from just last year. We feel extremely confident that this rise can be attributed to global climate change. It’s here, and we can see the effects right in front of us.”

Warington added: “But goddamn, what a nice Wednesday we had this week. Perfect weather to take the recumbent bike for a spin around the lake.”

Climate change deniers criticized the studies, citing “falsified data” and a need to “lighten up, for God’s sake,” according to the statement released by the would-be alt-right registered student organization on campus.

Students of other institutions in Madison, as well as UW, are also allegedly “POed” regarding claims of climate change.

“We can’t enjoy anything anymore without being harangued about ‘climate change this’ and ‘global warming’ that,” MATC student ATC Anderson Crick said. “The weather’s miserable enough in this state. Even if it is global warming making the weather so nice, that’s not gonna stop me from doing a keg stand on the lawn.”

More research is still needed to observe the long-term effects of climate change on dartying, scientists say, and Warington has promised to “get right to that, after I put the grill away.”


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