John Gottman, prominent psychologist and the guy who predicted your parents’ divorce, has been announced this year’s graduate commencement speaker. The Misnomer has acquired an exclusive excerpt from his planned speech.
“I know you’re here to be congratulated for completing a thesis while teaching ungrateful little undergrads online. But I know you’d much rather have a man in his seventies give unsolicited advice on another subject: your love lives.
“Divorce doesn’t skip generations. So if you ever consider putting a ring on it, reminisce on all your childhood trauma rooted in your parents’ loveless marriage. If you find yourself already ensnared in the institution of monogamy, divorce nice and early. God, my wife’s a [REDACTED].
“As Executive Director of the Relationship Institute — a registered and legitimate place of business — I have mathematically analyzed all the benefits of divorce. ‘Half the assets, twice the fun’ I like to say.
“Haven’t all your role models gotten divorced at one point or another? Eminem, Angelina Jolie, Prince Charles… maybe this list isn’t as good as I thought. My wife told me it was bad, what a [REDACTED].
“Anywho, in the tradition of cheesy commencement addresses, I would like to close with a cryptic quotation that’s not my own. As the great (and many times divorced) Elon Musk once said: ‘I hate going to sleep alone.’ Oh wait, I meant: ‘Rockets are cool.’ Thanks everyone, and have a nice life.”