Is there a simple, yet cheap way to scan for all types of cancer? According to elementary and middle school students across the country there is an answer to this medical quandary, and the test is simpler than you might think.
We talked with Tasuku Honjo, 7, of Franklin Elementary before he participated in the preliminary exam. “I was very excited to hear that there was a free and easy test to see if I have cancer. My family has a history of colorectal cancer so I’ve always been hypervigilant with this kind of stuff. The work done with cancer research has always been solid, but it has never really reached any sort of universal truth when dealing with this horrible disease. Who would have thought that connection had always been between hand and face size.”
Jane Allison, 8, a fan of playing doctor, (and sometimes pony) was less sure of the efficacy of the test. “If anything this would be a medical miracle. I hesitate to call it snake oil, as it hasn’t been disproven yet, but I think the medical community should proceed with caution on this one.”
Despite skepticism, optimism remains high with some who have actually received the test. We talked with Honjo after he received the procedure. “I was so relieved that my hand was smaller than my face that I didn’t fully realize the forcible impact that this test would have on my life. I’m still a little bit hesitant about the results of the test, the side effects aren’t great, but I think my mom is going to be very excited about these results. Now excuse me, I have to go see the nurse about this bloody nose.”
In a clear effort to silence journalists, the Madison Misnomer was forcibly removed and permanently banned from school property, before any more comments could be heard. Evidently, Big Pharma wants to keep this one under wraps.