We’ve all been there. One minute you’re just hopping on over to Pinterest to find a recipe and the next thing you know you’ve pinned 489 couple costume ideas. The only problem is you were dumped in September, just before all the couples got to do cute fall stuff like fucking apple picking, haunted fucking hayrides, carving fucking pumpkins and no I’m not fucking bitter at all Dan hates apples anyways so it doesn’t even matter. But should a guy explicitly stating that he doesn’t want to be with you stop you from being the cutest couple this Halloween? Here are a few tricks to making sure that you match your boo (ghost emoji) this spooky season:
Your mutual friends with your “ex” (for now) are now your go-to’s. You don’t need other friends, and you don’t need family. You don’t have a mother anymore. You will eat, sleep, and breathe mutual friends. Emily has such a big mouth and she will inevitably mention what Dan, or I mean whatever your man’s name is, will be wearing this all hallow’s eve.
Stalk the gram. Stalk twitter. See what he’s been liking, maybe it’s costume related content. Unless it’s all basketball related because that’s all Dan ever fucking cared about. Better yet, hack into google and find out what cookies he has. Did you ever borrow his Netflix? I bet it’s the same email and password as his Amazon Prime. Look at his recent purchases. If he hasn’t bought anything, order Mickey Mouse ears to his house. He might just be lazy enough to wear them.
God gave us SnapMap as an offering to women to make up for years of oppression. Check his location every 10 minutes to ensure up-to-date information. If he appears to be at Ragstock or the nearest Halloween Express, drop all your responsibilities and go there immediately. I’d recommend wearing a trench coat and a fake mustache so that he doesn’t notice you.
If all else fails, Amazon Prime sells state of the art binoculars (with night vision!) for the low price of $249.00. Climb a tree and get that intel the good ol’ fashioned way. Hopefully he doesn’t live in a high rise like Dan fucking does becuase it’s surprisingly hard to scale a neighboring building with binoculars around your neck. If you happen to catch him while he’s changing, I’ll link my email for pics.
And remember ladies, you can’t forget to get him blackout drunk the night of the long-awaited halloween party. If he’s wasted, you can take the cutest pictures for Instagram! Don’t forget to tag him, and might i suggest the caption “Looks like boo had a little too much boo-ze :)”? Consider that hilarious caption a gift to you, I won’t be using it since I’ll be single for another fucking Halloween.