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'I bought a cactus!' Says Girl Who Thinks Listening to Arctic Monkeys is a Personality Type


Lidia Smith, a UW-Madison sophomore, is not your typical girl. “I knew I wanted to take care of something living, but I don’t have a boyfriend and supposedly therapy turtles are not a thing,” said Smith. “So I put on some Glossier lip gloss, tied up my Doc Martens, and headed out on the town in search of the next best option.”


After stopping in several record stores and ordering two cups of nitro cold brew, Smith finally came upon something that would fill her newfound void--a succulent.


For our readers who do not have “aRt HoE” written in your Instagram bio, a succulent is a pretentious way of saying cactus. Smith claims that if you want to fool your disengaged followers into thinking that you have taken a singular botany class, definitely start saying succulent.


“I named my cactus Spike Lee because I thought it was both funny and original,” explained Smith. Smith chose to place Spike on her windowsill next to her polaroid camera and framed photograph of The 1975. Smith expressed how excited she is to draw a portrait of her new friend with expensive markers and quirky colored pencils.


“I have already announced on Facebook that I bought a cactus,” said Smith. “My friends have been so supportive. They love that I am a plant mom!”


Smith plans on purchasing another succulent in the coming days with the hopes of giving Spike a “friend.”


Smith has prepared for her new succulent arrival by moving her Feminist mug to clear space. She has also been posting cryptically-artistic instagram stories as a way to “tease her followers until she constructs a big cactus reveal.”

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