The streets of Madison have long been overrun with large rats. For many years residents of Madison have either tried in vain to fight off the growing population or given up. However, a recent sacrifice of four of the hardest working students from the UW’s School of Computer, Data and Information Science has finally broken the rats’ iron grip on Madison, freeing the city from their control.
Given the propensity of programmers to complain about being sacrificed for the greater good, it was quite difficult to obtain a large enough constituent of CS majors. Although it is quite normal for CS majors to avoid the outside world at all costs, the chosen CS majors were particularly stubborn when the university announced that they would be sacrificed.
This Monday the president of the Associate Students of Madison announced that they had found an easy solution in a very unlikely place. After consulting with senior war analyst Boris Bigly they decided to employ the ancient practice of starvation through siege warfare. Through bribery, ASM managed to get the chosen CS majors banned from all food delivery services and with no other means of getting food, these four unlucky CS majors were forced to vacate their homes in search of food. Outside their doors were special agents hired by ASM, who apprehended them and took them to be served to the rats.
The students were tied up and taken to the domicile of the rat king, the steam tunnels. The rat king is the largest and scariest of the rats standing at over 15 feet tall. Taking these offerings, the rat king called all of his fellow rats to his side before descending deep into the earth with the CS majors in his mouth, of whom all are now presumed dead.
The identities of the CS majors taken are not yet known, but information regarding their deaths has been sent to their families as well as a notification about a 4% tuition increase.
Expert ratologist, John Raat told the Misnomer reporters a little bit about what the people can expect with the rat situation in Madison going forward. “These sacrifices were an important first step, but the rats will grow hungry again and we need to prepare for that. I estimate that we will need to start sacrificing at least four students every other month in order to keep the rats satisfied. This may get difficult considering that they only like the blood of computer science students, but I’m sure as long as enrollment stays consistent, we’ll all be okay. Ratualistic sacrifice is the future.”
While many students are happy that the reign of the rats is over, there has been some controversy surrounding the ethics of sacrificing CS majors to the rats.
When reached for comment, chancellor Jenifer Mnookin only had this to say: “Ethics, shmethics! Was what happened ethical? No. But did it work? Yes! And that’s all that really matters.”
Mnookin also plans to speak at the upcoming vigil for the departed students and invites all critics to come and debate her.
With so much uncertainty in the air, many are still left wondering if this was an ethical solution and if, or when, the rats will return. Unfortunately, only time will tell if this was a good decision and hopefully for the city of Madison, it was.