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Mattel releases Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots: NCAA Basketball Coach Edition

One would think with a salary of $2.2 million last year, coach Greg Gard wouldn’t throw so many hissy fits! Inspired by the infamous BigTen kerfuffle, the lead toy designer for Mattel unveiled a new edition of fighting automatons this weekend. Madison Misnomer reporter Rob Dongly sat down to interview the chief marketing officer for the toy giant.

“We’re going to revitalize this stale brand,” quoted the executive, all the while delicately painting a porcelain Hungry Hungry Hippo by hand. “We rolled out the Rock’em Sock’em Robot app, the VR experience, a damn airport restaurant. None of it has seen major commercial success so far.”

In our reporter’s opinion this is far from the truth, however, as the robotchos with Impossible taco meat are very reasonably priced for airport food.

“When I saw those two coaches going at it during the Wisconsin-Michigan game I stood bolt upright and broke my coffee table. My brilliant marketing sons (nepotism babies) did the same. Suddenly my house was a chorus of ‘DAD THAT’S IT, DAD THAT’S IT’, while I fell to my knees and shuffled forward to kiss our plasma screen. Those two men of greatly different statures will save our dying brand. We hope to really recapture the college-age demographic before the Netflix show comes out. I can picture all kinds of fun interactions between college buddies reuniting with their friends out of town l to pit their athletic directors against each other. I mean, if I was paid half as much as those coaches I would be willing to show a little skin myself.

Hopefully our company can be responsible for helping these big strong men overcome their differences and bond over a good old-fashioned game of Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots.


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