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NYC Resident in Wisconsin Way Too Eager to Gatekeep Bagels

As NYC resident John Hamlin walked down State Street in Madison, WI for the first time ever, he caught a whiff of something in the air -- a hint of deli smell… yeast… old people yelling at you…but something was wrong. It turns out John had experienced his first scent of a Wisconsin bagel. He was disgusted. In fact he didn’t even try to eat one. That day he made a vow to never let a single person in Madison claim they enjoyed the taste of a bagel; not unless they had eaten a New York bagel.

The next day, John’s roommate mentioned that he bought a bag of bagels from Fresh. Goosebumps prickled on John’s skin.

“...can I see them?” He asked, feigning innocence.

John’s roommate pulled out the bag of bagels. John’s stomach lurched.

“Are you serious?” he asked. “That’s not a bagel, that’s just round bread. You definitely have never had a good bagel before.”

John’s roommate, who didn’t give a shit, shrugged and went back to his work. John smiled. He has completed his first gatekeeping action. No one could stop him now. Not a single Wisconsin resident would comfortably enjoy a bagel again.


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