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Op-Ed: Can Amanda PLEASE Shut Up About Draco Malfoy Already

So, last weekend, my roommates and I were planning on partaking in our favorite fall festivity — a cute and quirky Harry Potter movie marathon. I mean, have you seen Prisoner of Azkaban? Aesthetic as fuck.

We gathered all the essentials: our cozy ‘lil Hogwarts robes, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Jelly Beans, and my Nana’s special recipe for pumpkin spiced butterbeer (no you can NOT have the recipe!!). Everything was looking great, that is, until Amanda got home. This bitch busted in the door wearing all her goddamn Slytherin merch.

Like I get it, you have House pride. We ALL do. But you don’t see me prancing around in my Hufflepuff sweaters every day. It’s just not classy. That’s just not what we do in Hufflepuff. We are goddamn humble. But Amanda and all the other Slytherin snakes know won’t shut up about how they’re the greatest people to walk the Earth.

Also, Draco Malfoy literally looks like a naked mole rat. And Amanda’s always talking about how hot he is, and then she goes in her room to “play with her wand” and we all think it’s fucking disgusting. How can you like Draco when hottie Cedric Diggory exists? 

I just wish these Slytherin bitches could learn a little humility. You’d think they would feel bad about Voldemort killing tons of people but Amanda’s heart is so cold she’s basically a death eater. How different is that from a Slytherin though?

Oh, and she stans Harry and Hermoine together. Fucking dumb bitch.


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