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Op-Ed: I Could Beat the Shit out of a Gorilla

I am absolutely sick of gorillas. I’ve seen one too many tiktoks of these simian motherfuckers gallivanting around eating leaves and pounding their damn chests like they own the place. Whether they’re in the mountains of central Africa or the central park zoo, gorillas have simply had it too good for too long, and I think someone needs to do something about it. After many nights of careful planning, prayer, and deep soul searching, I have come to the irrefutable conclusion that I could totally beat the shit out of a gorilla.

At first you might wonder, “aren’t gorillas giant and unbelievably strong?” or “why are you trying to fight apes” or maybe even “have you stopped taking your meds? We’re worried about you.”, However, gorillas lack one key attribute: nearly a decade of martial arts education. Not only did I do five non-consecutive years of karate as a kid (coming damn close to a yellow belt), but I have also studied the way of the warrior through at least 3 really badass animes. The average gorilla has never laid eyes upon an assortment of schoolgirls fighting ancient demons, nor has it learned to block a karate chop with only one fluid motion (I mean I can’t either but I’ve seen it done). Obviously, this means that as soon as that hairy fucker takes a swing I’d do a sick spin kick and totally knock it out.

Even without my expert-level grasp of martial arts, I probably could just beat a gorilla with pure physical strength. I saw this reddit post once about how adrenaline can, like, make you into some badass superhuman. There was this mom who lifted a whole car after her daughter got trapped, and if some MILF can lift a car a few inches to save a kid adrenaline would make me hulk the fuck out.

Honestly, if put face to face with a gorilla, I doubt I’d even need to fight it. As a Sigma male, I have a natural set of pheromones, body postures, and sweet-ass trenchcoats that combine to make me nature’s ultimate lone wolf. Gorillas have a basic-ass alpha male who would cower in fear at such an independent badass like myself. With the way of the Sigma, my martial arts prowess, and superhuman adrenaline strength, no gorilla (highland or even lowland) would stand a chance.


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