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Op-Ed: I'm Wearing Patagonia So Why Isn't the Earth Saved Yet?

Yesterday I saw on T.V. that the Earth is dying. Whack shit. That really sucks so I think something should probably be done about it, right? Like, there’s so much nature in the world, you know? I don’t know what the best solution is, but I think a lot of people who care about the environment wear Patagonia, so that’s probably the answer, right? I guess not because I bought clothes from Patagonia yesterday and the goddamn Earth still isn’t saved.

Yesterday, I bought one of those puffy jackets that make it really obvious that you like the environment and nature and shit. I made sure I went to R.E.I. and bought it there. It’s completely legitimate. Warm as shit. The logo is on there and everything with the mountains in the background just like that nature and shit ya know.

So why is the Earth still dying?

I paid $200 for this thin-ass jacket. It should at least save a fucking wetland. I watched the news again last night and polar bears are straight-up still dying. Do polar bears even live in wetlands?

Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck the hype is about. You’re telling me I covered my Nalgene and Hydroflasks with nature stickers, and the coral reef is still being bleached? Next they’re gonna tell me that the turtles are still dying even though I stopped using straws.


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