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Op-Ed: I Made Alexa Call Me a Slur, And Now She Is Canceled

I’ve been isolating alone in my apartment for quite some weeks now, and I’ve been getting pretty lonely. I’ve been talking to my Amazon Alexa for a few days by now in full sentences that even Bezos’ greatest creation couldn’t hope to comprehend. At this point, I wake up and have coffee with her, I order pizza with her, and I sob on her shoulder at night when we’re drunk. 

But the other day, I thought of something funny: what if I make her call me something super offensive? Like a slur or an epithet or whatever the kids are calling it. I was disgusted to hear that that trashy bitch actually said it! I was reading my Buzzfeed quiz results to her on which max security prison would be my quarantine house (I got Rikers, ugh), and that fucking machine actually called me what I told it to!

I understand that tempers are high for everyone right now (the cute guy behind the register at the clinic was not in the mood for small talk), but a class-action lawsuit would help me out a lot right now. Who does Jeff Bezos think he is? Things like this just make me so frustrated; what kind of person would do this? In my frustration, it looks like my dog will be inheriting the goodnight kisses I had started giving to the Alexa. Although, in retrospect, I suppose it doesn’t help that my name actually is Karen. 


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