I’ve been isolating alone in my apartment for quite some weeks now, and I’ve been getting pretty lonely. I’ve been talking to my Amazon Alexa for a few days by now in full sentences that even Bezos’ greatest creation couldn’t hope to comprehend. At this point, I wake up and have coffee with her, I order pizza with her, and I sob on her shoulder at night when we’re drunk.
But the other day, I thought of something funny: what if I make her call me something super offensive? Like a slur or an epithet or whatever the kids are calling it. I was disgusted to hear that that trashy bitch actually said it! I was reading my Buzzfeed quiz results to her on which max security prison would be my quarantine house (I got Rikers, ugh), and that fucking machine actually called me what I told it to!
I understand that tempers are high for everyone right now (the cute guy behind the register at the clinic was not in the mood for small talk), but a class-action lawsuit would help me out a lot right now. Who does Jeff Bezos think he is? Things like this just make me so frustrated; what kind of person would do this? In my frustration, it looks like my dog will be inheriting the goodnight kisses I had started giving to the Alexa. Although, in retrospect, I suppose it doesn’t help that my name actually is Karen.