top of page

Op-Ed: I Watched My Roommate Pull a Muscle, and Something Inside Me Changed

Just when I thought this quarantine couldn’t get any worse, yesterday I walked in on my roommate, doing pushups in the living room. He was trying to get a beach body, as if we will ever get to go to a beach again. That's when I saw it, he did a pushup weird and his muscles wiggled like a drunk girl trying to crawl across a crosswalk. I don’t know what happened, but I didn’t like it. What's worse is that after I was grossed out, I didn’t completely hate what I saw. In fact, I almost liked it.

What kind of person can see something like that and not be totally weirded out? Oh fuck, did this quarantine give me a muscle fetish? Has going without sex for 23 years made me crave it so much I’ll take all the weird parts of people too? What’s next, will I start liking people based on their personalities too? How far does this depravity go?

To make matters worse, it was impossible to focus on my internal struggles with my roommate screaming in the background. He kept rolling around yelling something about how he tore his biceps, and he's “in incredible pain”. Like sure, Dave, I’m certain your pain can really measure up to mine. One of us ripped apart a nerve ending and one of us just discovered an unsettling truth about themselves. Who do you think is hurting more right now? At the very least, this discovery explains why I was always really into watching medical shows.


bottom of page