As many of you readers probably know, the University of Wisconsin Police Department recently sent out an email to UW students, faculty, and staff. In this email they inquired about what strategic priorities we would like to see the police department adopt in coming years and what things they can do to improve, containing a survey to fill out. Being the functioning member of society that I am, I jumped at the opportunity to express my opinions, pausing my drinking and binge watching of The Great British Baking Show to fill out the survey. Here are my top priorities that I would like to see UWPD pursue:
1. Handsomer cops
This is THE front and foremost demand that I assume most other students would agree with me on. We all know the spiel that police officers don’t want us to look at them and immediately feel fear or hostility; they want us to see them as friends and community members and that’s valid. But HOW are we supposed to do that when the officers aren’t hot AF??
2. More luxurious squad cars
As someone who has ridden in the back of a UWPD squad car (I swear it wasn’t because I was in trouble), I can confirm that they really aren’t all that great. They have hard, plastic seats and the guy in the back with me (he also wasn’t in trouble, please believe me) had to slip under the seat belt as they couldn’t unbuckle it. I think that if UWPD converted to using BMWs, or even limos, then students would be much less likely to resist arrest.
3. Please stop arresting me at football games
I think many of us can relate to this one. Like come on, we’re just trying to have fun in the student section and live our lives! Why do you even care about underage drinking? What are you, some kind of nark?? And I swear to God that ref had it coming, I didn’t think my shoe would actually hit him from the stands! My shoe that my friend took and threw at him, not me of course…
4. Allocate all funding to police dogs
Who needs the coppers, anyway? If the department moved all their budget to training police puppies and fired all the officers, I guarantee that crime rates would plummet. We all want to stick it to the man, but who wants to stick it to the dog? Now, that would be pure evil.
5. Work with students to create an environment where everyone can feel safe and respected
Just kidding!! What I would really like to see is a cop chasing a student down East Campus Mall, that would be sooo cool. It’s boring here and we need some more police action scenes like in the movies.