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Ouch! Free Van Hise Tampons Come With Unexpected Cost



UW-Madison Sophomore Ally Moore was sitting in her Physics 202 discussion in Van Hise Hall when disaster struck: that’s right, Mother Nature had decided to pay her a visit, and that meant it was time for her to ride the cotton pony. Unfortunately, she didn’t come prepared. “I forgot my own tampons, and I couldn’t just ask for one because you and I both know admitting fertility to anyone besides your general practitioner is incredibly offensive,” stated Moore, “So I started looking around for anything I could use to plug up that whole situation: a tube of Burt’s Bees, Quaker Chewy granola bar, thick piece of chalk, you name it. I even thought of casually asking to borrow one of the five scrunchies on Bethany’s wrist and shoving it up there, I honestly don’t think she’d miss it.”


Deciding none of those options were feasible, Moore made her way towards the fourth floor bathroom: “At that point I just planned on using toilet paper, since I had just learned to pack a wound while browsing WikiHow the night before,” she explained. Upon entering the restroom, Moore was met with a pleasant surprise: free tampons supplied by the university. Despite having no monetary cost, however, Moore soon found that these particular products come with a price. “They’re pretty uncomfortable,” she admitted, “I know beggars can’t be choosers, but the cardboard applicators are kind of painful to insert. Also, the string is way too short, and I don’t like how they get colder and colder the longer you have them in.”


The free menstrual supplies are a huge step towards ending “period poverty” around the UW Madison campus, but ungrateful schmucks like Moore seem to have a lot of complaints. “I can ignore the pungent garlic smell, and the faint high pitched ringing,” Moore commented, “and I understand that some of these issues come from the fact that the supplies have to be cheap. But I feel like the small camera that’s on the end of each one only makes them more expensive.”


When reached for comment, the University stated, “We want what’s best for the women at this university, and if that means agreeing to the unconventional stipulations of Proctor and Gamble in order to get tamps on the cheap, who are we to ask questions? You’re welcome, by the way.”

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