MADISON, WI - In a scene straight out of millions of 10-year-olds’ dreams, the world of Pokémon collided with ours last week after a science experiment went awry deep below the Mechanical Engineering Building. Working with researchers from the Department of Physics and Nuclear Engineering, researchers have been attempting to optimize the sustainability of nuclear fission reactions for the last 18 months. In this particular trial, they devised a slightly different mixture of nuclear isotopes to power the University of Wisconsin Nuclear, but when they attempted to perform a reactor pulse, the reactor let out a massive burst of energy and ripped a hole in the fabric of spacetime for approximately 10-12 seconds. Luckily, none of the researchers were injured in the blast, but a temporary link was opened to the Pokémon universe, transporting millions of Pokémon onto Earth.
Unexpectedly, the Pokémon materialized in habitats they would be expected to inhabit in the Pokémon world and at roughly the same frequencies. Researchers in the laboratory noted the presence of several Magnemites while students walking on the Lakeshore Path sighted some Zigzagoon. Several sightings of powerful Pokémon were reported as well, like a submarine exploring the Mariana Trench capturing footage of what appeared to be the legendary Pokémon Kyogre. The Pokémon appear to be able to perform moves and attacks similar to the Pokémon games, as several small fires have been started in areas inhabited by fire-type Pokémon. Several drunken frat brothers also attempted to fight a few Machoke wandering down Langdon Street; the frat brothers are currently being treated for bruises and broken bones at the hospital. Researchers from the Biochemistry and Zoology departments are working to understand the processes underlying these abilities.
Several students capitalized on the unexpected events by becoming the campus’ first Pokémon trainers. Two mechanical engineering students, Josh Levitt and Brett Pullman, told the Misnomer about how they successfully captured Pokémon. “I was walking to Mem U, and I swear I saw a Bunnelby dart in front of me into the woods,” Levitt said. “At first, I thought I was still coming back from a really bad trip last night, but then I saw a Taillow sitting in a tree. Brett and I have both been huge Pokémon fans since we were like 10, so I knew we had to do something about it.”
Ignoring their upcoming Fluid Dynamics exams, Levitt and Pullman went to work, brainstorming how to create a real-world Pokéball that could capture the Pokémon. Three and a half hours later, they finished their research, snuck into the 3D Printing Lab at Wendt Commons, and successfully created 20 Pokéballs.
Levitt and Pullman were soon followed by several other groups of students independently developing similar Pokéball prototypes, with some having very ambitious plans to capture and train their Pokémon. The Misnomer caught up with one Computer Science major, Eric Enhurst, who reportedly captured a Gardevoir, Lopunny, and Vaporeon. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I think it’s important to take advantage of it now before the deep state tries to take the Pokémon away from us, which could be at any moment,” Enhurst told us before rushing away to conduct what he called “research”.
Some students also engaged in small battles with their Pokémon, attempting to solidify their title as Madison’s greatest Pokémon Trainer. The damage to campus and Madison streets was minimal at first since the Pokémon were quite weak. This all changed when a group of Chemistry students found a way to artificially synthesize Rare Candies. This led to a sudden surge in high-level Pokémon across campus, which created even more chaos.
The tipping point in the carnage and destruction across campus happened when in a battle between two trainers on the Gordon lawn, one trainer’s Houndoom missed a Flamethrower, sending it directly into Sellery Residence Hall. The subsequent Earthquake by the opponent’s Excadrill, sent the building ominously crumbling. Luckily, Madison Fire Department responded quickly and the building was evacuated, but 30 minutes after the attacks, Sellery collapsed to the ground.
In response to the disaster and general panic across the nation, the President has created a special emergency task force to deal with the situation. Despite their best efforts, researchers have not yet found a way to reverse the incident and send Pokémon back to their own universe. UW-Madison administration is urging students to seek shelter and not interact with Pokémon in any way. These instructions are not being heeded fully as the number of caught Pokémon on campus continues to increase. In the meantime, I will be catching a Meowth and having it use Pay Day 1000 times so I never have to work another day in my life.
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