Quiz: Which autocratic dictator is secretly your soulmate?

Wealthy, powerful, and charismatic, dictators are an underserved demographic when it comes to the dating scene. Take this quiz to find out just which dictator is secretly perfect you! Your heart might protest, but they’ll silence the opposition.


Describe your ideal man in one word:

a) Ambitious

b) Quiet

c) Rich

d) Outdoorsy


If your dream man wrote a novel, what would he title it?

a) Appeasement is Just an 11 Letter Word

b) Worth It in the End

c) Investing in the Future

d) Wrestling Bears, and Other Ways to Assert your Masculinity


What are your autocratic hunk’s favorite pastimes?

a) Meth and other opiates

b) Reading and watching vandals get caned

c) Diversitying his portfolio, but in five year invrements

d) Wrestling bears. Obviously. He wrote a book about it.


You’re going to dinner with your rights-violating honeybunch. What’s he wearing when he arrives?

a) His best military uniform. He wouldn't get caught dead in anything else.

b) A short sleeve button-up. It's casual, but still nice.

c) A full suit. He doesn't do casual.

d) Not a shirt, that's for damn sure.


You get catcalled by a construction worker while walking down the street. How does your authoritarian slice of man meat stand up for you?

a) Send in the tanks. Mercy is for the dead.

b) Call the police. Harassment is a societal problem, and corporal punishment is the solution.

c) Buy the construction company he works for and then fire him. Repeat until he's financially ruined.

d) Make a phone call. People go missing all the time.

 

Answer Key:

Tally how many times you answered a, b, c, or d.


Mostly A: Adolf Hitler

You like your men ambitious, taking-over-the-world level ambitious. He might be a drug addict, but you can forgive that because you love a man in uniform. He might seem ruthless and cold-heartedly strategic, but that’s only because he’s dedicated, and you really need a man who’s able to commit.


Mostly B: Lee Kuan Yew

You’ve got a soft spot for nice guys, and the benevolent dictator of Singapore is just your type. He tends to keep to himself, so you probably haven’t heard of him. He wants to keep order for the sake of the greater good. He’s tough on you only because he loves you and ultimately knows what’s best. He does have a weird thing for canes though.


Mostly C: Xi Jinping

You’ve matched with the dictator of China. Xi is all about dominating the world through finances. If you’re looking to marry rich, Xi is definitely your soulmate. He’s always dressed to the nines, so he’s always ready for a fancy dinner, and with all his practice making 5 year plans, he’s good at figuring out what he wants.


Mostly D: Vladimir Putin

You like manly men, and Vlad is the manliest man to ever be a man. He’ll make you dinner with fish that he speared himself. He won’t tell you that he handcarved the spear that he used, but you know that he did. He’s a little silent and serious at first, but he has a great personality when you get to know him, just take a look at how popular he is in the polls.