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Senior Discovers That Best Place to Shit on Campus Was Beneath Him the Entire Time



Pooping on campus can be a minefield: 1-ply toilet paper, gaps in the stall doors, and the ever-present couple having mediocre sex one stall over. However, less than 1 year from graduation, senior Nutri-sci major Tyler has discovered that the best place to shit at UW-Madison has been beneath him since day one: the sidewalk.


“If ya just kinda go wherever you happen to be walking, just take a sec and shake it out yer pant leg,” said Tyler.


Despite the initial incredulity, Tyler says this last month has been perhaps the least stressful month of his academic career. Despite the 388 buildings on campus, most students would admit it can be difficult to find a bathroom they feel truly comfortable in, and Tyler clearly has a novel response.


“Senior year is hard enough without having to worry about finding a dump-worthy bathroom at least once a day”.


Tyler also noted that his new habit had done wonders for his self-confidence and motivation in his day-to-day life. “I’m not bound by this dumb system that has oppressed me my entire life! I feel like my bowel movements are gonna start an even bigger movement, I’m like, one of the Founding Fathers or something.”


While one might assume the god-awful stench or the sudden appearance of human feces in the middle of the sidewalk might put a damper on one’s social life, Tyler insists that he hasn’t had any problems.


“Sure every so often, I hear ‘What the fuck is he doing?’ and ‘Did that guy just take a shit and shake it out his pant leg?!’ pretty often, but I doubt anyone has caught on. You hear a lot of random stuff on a college campus.”

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