The semester is coming to a close, and finals are upon us. Whether you are woefully unready or a virgin loser and have been studying all semester: when the stakes are this high, everyone wants to be able to ensure their grades are secured. When ethics fail, alternative methods need to be used. Here are the top ten ways to bribe your professors and guarantee an A in the class.
1. Your roommate's virginity.
Offering up your purity is so cliche, besides, after seeing your bitchy face sobbing in lecture because you don’t understand simple math, no professor is desperate enough to tap that. Instead, offer your roommate. The fact your professor doesn’t know who they are offers a sense of mystery and wonder, like a chocolate box of sexual encounters. Furthermore, you won't have to worry about your roommate agreeing because if they won’t do it just hire a prostitute and claim you have always lived with a 60-year-old on bath salts. Who is gonna fact check you?
2. Your belly button lint
Professors are always weird. They have PhD’s in shit like analytical geology, that means their brains are fried. Offer up something equally as weird, for example, belly button lint, and there’s a 60/40 chance you will help them complete their collection of belly lints from students of every major. Use this favor, and the knowledge of their lint kink, to force them into giving you a good grade. Then drink the memory away.
3. Biden Finger Nibble.
Just the thought of his soft, pink old man lips circling your finger, with his dentures giving a little nibble, its enough to get anyone hard as a rock. Actually getting Biden to give your professor one of his patented finger nibbles is a deal no one can refuse, and a definite A in the grade book.
4. The Axe.
The holy relic of Badger fans. Bring it to their office while chanting “sink the boat”. Simply the presence of such a holy artifact will convince them to just drop the final altogether, blessing every student in your class. The one flaw in the plan is to get the ax you will have to take a nut shot from every member on the football team. But what’s more important? Your future chances for children, or your grades, you loser?
5. Offer to pour whole milk into their mouth.
There are few things in the cold and uncaring world quite as calming as being able to have warm chunky milk poured into your mouth while your hair is stroked like you are a wild horse being tamed in a Disney Channel teen country flick. The thicker the milk the better. See if you can find a nice gallon of milk, aged to about 4 weeks, with a nice greenish-yellow glow.
6. Hand feed them single grains of white rice
Similar to the tip above. If you don’t have spoiled milk lying around, simply cook 10 lbs of white rice, and offer to hand feed your professor each grain separately. Not only a proper bribe, but the time it takes will serve as a good bonding opportunity. This could open up research opportunities or letters of reference, bribing your professor to help not only with your finals but your entire academic career.
7. A warm hug.
Professors are people too. They spend all their time dealing with emails and TA’s and students who won't shut the fuck up about how hard the class is. On top of all that, they have their own research and can you imagine how hard it must be to have a social life when you are the kind of person who goes to graduate school for physics. Honestly, they could just use some goddamn positive human interactions. So if you can stand to hold them, and let them cry into your shoulder, a hug will go a long way for your grade.
8. Bucky’s Lingerie.
Bright red and white, with a badger face over the crotch, Bucky’s Buddy lingerie is both the Black Friday deal of the season and the pajamas I wear whenever I feel in need of a boost. Getting your professor a pair of them will improve your relationship, and if they don’t bite at first, you can always offer to model it for them.
The one option no one takes, but that’s because they don’t know how to do it. Don’t study your class material, study your professor. Learn their daily schedule, their likes, their dislikes. Know them better than they know themselves. Study their sins and confront them with their failings. When you know everything about them you can bend them to your will. Stalking and blackmail are too far just for a good grade you say? Stop being a freshman, there are no rules here.
10. The head of the TA
Every Professor has one TA they just hate. Some know-it-all who won’t stop saying “OK BOOMER” and asking when they will retire so they can take their job. Bring your Professor a peace offering by murdering this TA and mailing their head to your Professor's office hours. Attach a note saying if the Professor would like to hang it above their mantel they may, for the low price of your 43% being rounded up to a 90%.