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Top Ten Places to Shove Your Absentee Ballot

President Trump has warned the American people that absentee ballots have been appearing in strange places: wastebaskets, creeks, and Democratic households.

Our publication has compiled our own list of places you can shove your own absentee ballot for minimal effectiveness.

10) The Mailbox: Obviously the worst option. Only for liberals!

9) Blockbuster Return Slot: If you’re stuck in the past, it should be pretty straightforward.

8) A Pumpkin: Extra protection if you light the jack-o’-lantern. 

7) Hamster Cage: Some names deserve to be torn up by little rodent paws and covered in shit. And those uncontested candidates might be lonely.

6) Kamala’s Fist: Give the gift of a fly swatter so the liberals SHUT UP and LISTEN to Pence’s sonorous voice.

5) Your Nose: If COVID swabs have taught us anything, it’s that there’s a lot more real estate up your nasal cavity than you ever imagined. But more importantly, COVID has taught us NOTHING because it’s a hoax!

4) Under your MAGA hat: I know it’s intended to cover a receding hairline, but those red caps can Make A Great Absentee-ballot-hiding-spot.

3) Your Ass: While it may seem crude, your ass is the perfect hideaway to keep the radical left from stealing your vote! 

2) Donald Trump’s Ass: Even better! People are saying how great he is at collecting ballots, some say he’s the best anyone’s ever collected ballots, except maybe Lincoln—who was a Republican, by the way.

1) With Trump’s Tax Returns: The Holy Grail of hiding places. Ensure your ballot never, ever sees the light of day, as it should be.


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