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UK asks to sleep on former colony’s couch


LONDON, United Kingdom - Parliamentary officials are scrambling today after a series of embarrassing late night texts to former British colonies were leaked to the press. Screenshots taken of a conversation between the United Kingdom and the Republic of India show the former superpower asking for a place “to crash for the next 2 or 3 decades.”


“It would be purely temporary” said Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt, “the UK is just looking for a place to rest its feet for a little bit. We have got big plans on the horizon, we just need to cut back for a little while as we feel the situation out.”


With the resignation of PM Liz Truss set over a background of a general economic downturn, it seems like the UK is turning to some of its former colonies for a place to get back on its feet.


Nirmala Sitharaman, Minister of Finance in India thought otherwise. “It’s like if someone lived in your apartment for 3 years without paying rent, stole all your clothes, food, and furniture, then sold all of it for drug money. They never cleaned up after themselves, had a weird thing for drawing straight lines through the living room, and liked getting into fist fights over their “right” to live there. Finally after getting kicked out, they come back 5 years later after their drug business failed and are pretending like nothing ever happened. We’ve moved on, and I think the UK should too.”


Screenshots of the texts, verified by Boris Johnson, who requested not to be named, shows all the tactics in the UK’s playbook.


“Don’t be this way baby you know we like cooperating now”


“Our mom just died so really you should be more comforting”


“Come on, how can you treat us this way after all that we took from you.”


“The EU was too good to the UK, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that its gone back to its old ways,” said political analyst Dianne Shauber. “Brexit was a messy breakup for Britain, and now I think It’s trying to show the world that it still has that imperial spark.”


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