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Vending Machine Denies Engineering Major Condoms

We all know the overpriced vending machines in our dorm halls. Whether you’re out of snacks in your room or are binge-watching five hours of Stranger Things, these snack and drink suppliers can be very useful. But there is one item that outcompetes all the others in the machine: condoms.

Conveniently situated between the Twix bars and Peanut M&M’s, the $2 box of condoms sits there day and night, awaiting the next Chad-like figure to come along and type E5 into the keypad. Even though many of these customers can’t afford them on a state minimum wage, condoms remain one of the most popular products purchased by freshman boys. But not all freshmen are treated equally by this protection dispenser.

Jack Sterlon, a freshman in the School of Engineering, thought that it was about time for him to stock up on condoms to prepare for his future endeavors at the University of Wisconsin. But little did Jack know that he was about to experience the most devastating and humbling moment in his life. Basking in the vending machine’s attractive glow, Jack trembled from anxiety and excitement at the thought of finally acquiring sexual protection. He typed in the number and was prompted to use his Wiscard to pay.

Upon swiping the card, a message came up on the LCD screen: “Engineering library record detected, card declined.” Jack’s mouth fell agape at the sight of this discriminatory message. “I’ve never experienced such prejudice in my whole life!” said Jack, “I know there are stereotypes that engineering majors get zero bitches. I get that. But a literal machine holding bias over someone? AI has gone too far.”

Jack continued to explain that just because he chose the #1 nerd major doesn’t mean that he should be exempt from getting women. “I whole-heartedly believe that any engineering major can find a girlfriend. But this stereotype will never go away as long as we are still being discriminated against by snack machines.”

This traumatizing, horrific experience has left Jack questioning his academic interests in Artificial Intelligence. After dropping his classes and changing to a psych major, Jack now spends his days kicking Starship robots as they cross the street.


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