In the most ambitious aid program to date, the top 5 wealthiest corporations in the world have announced they will be combining their resources to fund community development worldwide. The announcement comes after “class solidarity” has been in the news just a little too much the past few years.
The aid conglomerate, named “Global Revolution in Education and Environmental Development” or G.R.E.E.D., utilizes the shared resources of Apple, Microsoft, Saudi Aramco, Amazon, and JP Morgan Chase to pursue infrastructure and human resource development in areas ranging from American cities to rural China. Their stated goals are to use a legally-binding 1% of each company’s annual net profit to reinvest in the communities where the companies are located. Maxwell Merrick, a spokesperson for the conglomerate, sat down with the Misnomer for an interview.
“So what it really is, is that these men have achieved greatness unparalleled by the human condition, and want to use their greatness to benefit the world they live in,” says Mr. Merrick. “What they really want to focus on is helping the world's working poor. Did you know that in some places, people can be fully employed, working more than 40 hours a week, and still not be able to afford a house or food. That's just really sad, like who is paying their employees less than a living wage, right?”
The first operating budget for the G.R.E.E.D. conglomerate comes out to $2.52 billion dollars, which is estimated to only be $4-5 Billion short of being able to eradicate world hunger in a single year. 90% of this budget so far has been used in advertising and fundraising, as according to Mr. Merrick, it is “very important that people understand who is saving the world, and just how good of people they are.” Mr. Merrick swears that once the magnanimous nature of the world's wealthy elite has been established, they will get right down to business on solving the world's problems.
When asked if the conglomerate's goals couldn’t also be met by simply increasing the workers’ wages, Mr. Merrick sat uncomfortably quiet for four minutes then cried until we offered to end the interview.