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Who Needs Abortion When You Have Stand Your Ground? An Exposé on the NRA’s Family Planning Policies

With the recent controversy over women's reproductive rights in America, many have turned to the final say on morality in America for the answer: old white males. This has spurred the National Rifleman's Association’s CEO Wayne LaPierre to hold a press conference to announce a detailed policy for the organization's stance on the matter.

“We respect the right of every human being to be born,” opened LaPierre. “But once they are born we are committed to every American's right to be killed by their fellow countryman.”

The NRA supports bans on prenatal abortions, so that pregnancy can continue to be used to punish women for having sex. However, LaPierre recognizes that after the child is born, fathers may find their offspring to be off-putting, inconvenient, and a general “killer of the vibe.” If this is the case, LaPierre has drawn out multiple options NRA members have besides abortion.

The primary way for NRA members to remove unwanted pregnancies is to simply rely on the “stand your ground” laws present in most states. By throwing a plastic knife to your child, you may argue that you feared for your life and unload on the little cockblocker. However, if the child is between the ages of 8-14, handing them a black hoodie would suffice if a plastic knife is unavailable. In this way, you can remove the unwanted inconvenience without haphazardly supporting women's rights to their own bodies, as well as support local death profiteers, all in the same act.

In an off-the-record conversation with Mr. LaPierre after the press conference, he admitted:

“Pro-choice, forced birth? Guys, I masturbate using a bump stock. So long as I can sell guns, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about kids.”


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