Do you want to be able to go to the zoo? Are you tired of crying every time you see a ferret? Are you sick and goddamn tired of pissing yourself like a baby every time Mickey Mouse shows up on screen? If you want to stop being such a disgrace, follow these 11 tricks to stop looking like such a pussy in front of God’s biggest mistake: rodents.
1. Look at their forehead, not their eyes
You can’t look them in their beady little eyes without being reminded of the cold, unforgiving void that awaits. But you also can’t look away from them or else you will look like a little bitch. The solution: look at the little tuft of fur above their eyes. To all the world it will look like you are a massive-dicked man staring down the devil. No one needs to know the truth.
2. Slather yourself in cat pheromones
Rat’s noses are sensitive enough they can smell landmines a foot underground, and that means they can also smell your fear. Cover this scent with the pheromones of rats' natural enemies, cats. You will spend your days being humped by feral street felines, but at least no one will call you a pussy.
3. Learn the hunting call of the Barred Owl
Belting this out will get rats fleeing back into their hellholes, and will show any date you are with how good you are with your mouth. But it is VERY IMPORTANT you get the call exactly right. It goes, “ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooyeh”. That is exactly 8 ooh’s followed by the noise you heard coming from your parents bedroom when they were wrestling. If you get even one “ooh” wrong, the rats will know and you will look like a punk ass bitch in front of everybody.
4. Slap a mousetrap on your nuts
Nothing shows the sign of a true badass like disrespecting your enemies. Using the very tool that has killed so many rats to give your jingles a little extra jangle will show the rodents you mean business. As an added benefit, you will never have to worry about pregnancy scares again.
5. Lean into your depression to become numb to the fear
You can’t be a scared little bitch if you can’t feel anything at all. Next time you get a 99 instead of a 100% on a test and feel yourself emotionally spiraling, fuck what your therapist says lean into it. Rats can’t make you scared for your life if you don’t want it anyway.
6. Carry around a DVD set of NBC’s F.R.I.E.N.D.S
If you ever find yourself surrounded by these naked-tailed bastards, just whip out a handy-dandy box set of this show and watch the rats kill themselves instead of having to listen to this shows fucking pathetic attempts at humor. Let David Schwimmer finally do something useful with his life and save you from your fears.
7. Adopt a child for a diversion
Adopt a child, give them a good home, and next time you see a rodent, fling the kid their way to distract them while you make your getaway. Before you feel bad for the kid, I guarantee being eaten alive in a gutter is still better than the American foster care system.
8. Paint yourself like a rodent
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If they can learn to accept that dumb motherfucker Stewart Little, they will learn to accept you.
9. Spend some time in the sewers
The central idea behind immersion therapy is that you will eventually acclimate to your fears and not find them scary anymore. So, you will either descend into the rodents abode as a pussy and emerge a man, or kill yourself and save us all the trouble.
10. Start taking steroids
Giant muscles won’t save you from rodents; those buck toothed freaks can bite through concrete. But the inhuman rage that steroids grants its disciples might be enough to overpower your cowardice and let you die a warrior's death.
11. Buy a gun
‘Cause we all know, nothing makes a pathetic American feel stronger than owning a gun.