Sex: it’s the only enjoyable part of this march towards death that we call life. Around the world people are getting it on with couples, close friends, and soon-to-be-forgotten acquaintances. With all this rubbin’ of love, people are bound to want to experiment and try physically projecting their fantasies onto their partners, instead of just passive-aggressively gaslighting them. As you endeavor into the world of sexploration, you have to remember that sex is only sex when everyone involved meets the 3 C’s. Consensual, Comfortable, and in Control (yes even you, subs in the corner).
Safe words are a great way to make sure your sexual adventures stay something you can write home about, and give everyone a lifeline to establish their boundaries. This makes choosing the right safe word for you crucial. It has to be memorable, easily understandable, and carry the appropriate authority. "Peaches and Pineapple" might have been well and good back when your dad was getting pegged, but here at the Misnomer we believe in a higher quality of getting it on.
So whether you are into getting stuck in leather, or doggystyle is in your growth zone, here’s a list of great safewords to implement wherever you bone.
1. Geneva Convention
The Geneva convention was signed into law in 1949 and carries the full weight of the International Committee of the Red Cross behind it. Calling this out in the bedroom announces that if your partner doesn’t respect you they will be labeled a war criminal. I don’t know if you've ever been to the Hague, but Dutch weather sucks.
2. Rutherford B. Hayes
Union general, staunch abolitionist, and 19th president of the United States R.B. Hayes is my personal masturbation buddy. But there is no better place for his memory to live on than ensuring all rights are respected in the bedroom. So wrap yourself in his luscious beard and set your boundaries firm.
3. Grandma’s panties
Clear, distinct, and capable of eliciting a visceral reaction, this phrase is the gut punch of safewords. Just be careful it doesn’t upset your appetite as well. Unless you're into vomit play.
4. Nancy Reagen
From BJ queen of the lower 48 to matriarch of abstinence-only education, no one has more experience stopping sex than good ol’ Nance. What's more, having her name on your tongue while you get railed in a fursuit will get her grave spinning fast enough that we can use it for sustainable energy.
5. Blink out PSPSPSPSPSP in Morse code.
You might find yourself in a situation where your mouth is too preoccupied to say any of the above. If that's the case simply memorize dot-dash-dash-dot/ dot-dot-dot. It's a short and easily identifiable pattern that even if your partner forgets, your blinking like you’ve just seen God will send the message all the same. As an added benefit, if you have a deaf cat, this is a great way to get them to come when called.
There you have it folks. 5 great ways to make sure your bedroom is 3C compliant. Now go forth and do unspeakable things with each other’s bodies in search of the ever-elusive orgasm. Be confident that your sex is good sex.