4 Ways to Tell That Your Parents Are Waiting for an Empty Nest to Divorce


They grow up so fast—your youngest sibling is starting to look at colleges, and your parents are soon going to be empty-nesters. Good for them! But consider this: what if you kids were the only thing keeping them together? What if they’ve grown apart all these years and are just waiting until you’re all gone to split? This is more likely than you think, and yes, you should be scared; your primary example of what true and lasting love looks like is about to be shattered. Here are 4 ways to tell that your parents are just waiting for that empty nest to divorce.


1. They sleep in separate rooms

No matter what 1950’s sitcoms have taught you, people who still have sexual chemistry don’t sleep in separate beds. Oh your dad “snores” and mom frequently “sleep screams”? If that were true, dad would wear nasal strips and mom would go to a hypnotist. But sure, keep believing the lie.


2. They keep talking about all the freedom they’re gonna have

Sure, I guess they will have some more freedom to travel and experience new things once you kids are out of their hair. But the way they talk, it sounds more like they’re more excited about the opportunity to do who they want rather than what they want. Dad keeps talking about getting excited to “be in Georgia,” but there’s no plane ticket in sight, and the way he keeps talking about those juicy peaches is, frankly, suspicious.


3. They didn’t get another dog after your last one died

If your dog died in the last few years and they have not gotten a replacement, your parents are headed towards splitsville. Why wouldn't they get a dog unless they didn’t want anything holding them together once you kids are gone? If they were planning on being alone together, they’d surely want a dog to do voices for when the inevitable silences arise. Trust me, you should start panicking.


4. They’re thinking of selling the house

They may say it’s economical, but don’t be fooled: they’re totally planning on moving out. Dad’s gonna go live in (or with?) Georgia in an apartment that looks like it’s straight out of American Psycho, and mom is going to end up starting a hobby farm with a man who actually listens to her when she says to cut back on the red meat and Coors Light. You’ll have to go to two Christmases, and it will be horrible. Tell your siblings now so you can start choosing sides.