Everybody likes a bad bitch, I get it. And in the sausage-filled world of committing crimes to solve crimes, it’s nice to have female role models. But is that enough? Are we so sick of hearing about Sherlock Holmes and his fucking hat that we would really settle for Nancy Drew? I will convince you that she not only does not deserve your respect, but she deserves nothing, or I will die mysteriously with childrens riddles for clues trying. Here’s five reasons why Nancy Drew is a piece of shit.
1. She is a profiler
She decides who is a criminal and who isn’t after meeting them for like, a chapter. You wanna know what that’s called? That’s right, prejudice. It is 2020 people, and you want to tell me your hero is the little bitch in a pullover who called the cops because her neighbors were “suspicious”?
2. Nancy is just a second tier Karen name.
Call ‘em Nance, call ‘em Nanny, might as well call ‘em NARC. Karens might be the worst, but Nancies are right up there. She is one bad haircut away from calling the manager. I would argue Nancies are worse than Karens. Karens are shitty to your face, Nancies go home and cyberbully the fuck out of you on google docs.
3. Corporate sell out
Nancy Drew is now on the CW. That’s right, little miss “independent investigations” got down on one knee for big papa Benjamin. I personally can’t wait to see what new heights of depravity and shit writing will be achieved with this new mixture of 1960’s white feminism and brutal American corporate greed.
4. Says 'fuck you' to privacy
As human beings, we have rights. But don’t fuckin tell Nance that. This bitch is the Patriot Act in polyester. If she thinks there is a clue somewhere in your home (see reason 1) then guess what, she's coming inside. Doesn’t matter if she is right or wrong, she is an independent woman with a can do attitude, so she gets to know all your personal secrets. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with trespassing. ‘Be gay, do crime’ is a motto to live by. But just because big brother got its handbag from Lulu-Lemon doesn’t mean it isn't a crime against humanity, people.
5. Definitely supports the Abe statue
You look me in the eyes and tell me the little white wanna-be cop-girl doesn’t go hard for that statue. Not even actual President Lincoln. Just the cold, lifeless, easily controllable hunk of metal in his likeness. You look me in the eyes and tell me that doesn’t scream Nancy fucking Drew.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I didn’t wake up today with the goal of tearing down a beloved children's book character. But somebody has too. If the only personal growth you've made this year is to finally cast this kitty pump wearing piece of shit into the gutter, well that’s enough for me. So go study, be kind to your neighbors, and stop stanning Nancy motherfucking Drew.