Orthodontists everywhere are nodding smugly after Madison resident, Clark Keaton, woke up to find his teeth completely dissolved after forgetting to wear his retainer for one night. This is a first in the dental world, as most patients experience minimal effects after deciding that a piece of plastic is not going to control their lives.
“I’ve worn it religiously for the last thirty five years!” said Clark, “I came home late last night after a tax appointment with good ol’ H&R Block, and crashed on the couch after an episode of Sixty Minutes. I didn’t even think about putting in my retainer.”
Contrasting with Clark’s reaction, his orthodontist, Mark Toffness, was not surprised in the least, saying “Clark had it coming. You forget to wear that baby, you deserve to face the punishment.” Mark then unfastened his own headgear and removed his industrial grade steel retainer so he could speak more clearly. “These pearlies haven’t moved since Nam!” said Toffness.
Keaton has managed to continue living a semi-normal life since the incident. He is still able to work as a cashier at the local Walgreens, and regularly enjoys a trip to the local bar to catch up with his “chums.”
In his words, “As long as I can still suck back a couple lukewarm glasses of virgin rum and coke after a night of conversation with the old lady, I’ll do just fine.”
In an interview with Clark’s wife, Nancy, she informed us of her excitement about the change. “If this means he’ll shut his goddamn mouth about my retainer, I’m thrilled” said Nancy.
Despite Nancy’s hopes, Clark’s mouth is as open as ever, gums and nothing else.