top of page

Badger Market Madness

Our experts have analyzed each player. Here’s what they think:

Sour Cream Tubes: Prone to breaking and always a little slippery, these sour cream tubes are hoping to achieve their dream and be crowned as the most despicable item in Badger Market. While some may laud their efficiency, there is absolutely nothing in Badger Market that can be eaten with sour cream, except for those that use it as a substitution for coffee creamer– and nobody does that. If this isn’t bad enough, these suckers cost $1.19, which is way too much to pay for hard, sour milk. Good luck to these disgusting tubes on their journey to championship.

Hard Boiled Egg: Priced at 1.3 times the cost of a carton of eggs, this egg hopes to advance into the next round by breaking the bank. Cost isn’t the only shocker here, this hard boiled egg is also roughly half the size of a regular egg, and consistently overdone, making it a strong contender for the most despicable item of badger market.

Muffin – The least objectionable choice out there. Nothing that great about it, nothing that bad about it either. Forgettable in a way that you won’t forget.

Greek Yogurt – The fruit is on the bottom, but this fella only knows how to come out on top.  Low fat in the worst way, this “healthy” option is a last choice for many during snack time. Will badger market’s Greek Freak have what it takes to be the most despicable item?

Chef’s Salad – Despite the name, this stemmy lettuce and hard boiled egg mix would make any decent chef feel ashamed. Priced at a whopping $4.12, get ready to pay extra for off-brand ranch to accompany this little number.

Sushi – Wrapped in day-old rice and seaweed that was pulled out a vacuum-sealed bag imported from Chenega, Alaska, the Sushi makes its way onto the bracket fully confident in its ability to take home the trophy by the end of the month. Sinking your teeth into this roll expecting anything more than a dry mess which resembles sushi enough for you to not be able to sue Badger Market would be a mistake on any buyer’s part. Just breathe in through the mouth when eating and remember to use listerine afterward.

Cup o’ Soup –  Badger Market has never been the same since the introduction of the soup counter, ensuring a consistent line of hungry students who didn’t really want soup but nothing else looked really that appetizing to them either so they figured “why not.” The cup of soup keeps competitors on their toes by somehow always overflowing and dripping down the sides of the container, prompting students to question why workers don’t try using a smaller ladle or some self control to stop this simple issue. Will the cup of soup be able to overcome this spillage and advance to the next round? After all, nothing says March Madness like soup-covered, sticky hands.

Hummus – A true contender for the most despicable item in the Badger Market, hummus has it all. Not only is it as close to garlic hummus as cough syrup is to “grape” flavored, the package only contains hummus, no pita, carrots, or dignity included. Priced right below two dollars, be prepared to shell out a five if you want a true pita and hummus snack. This debacle will steer anyone clear of the mediterranean, and may have what it takes to win it all.

Tortellini – Take a trip to the worst town in Italy with this number. While the base tortellini isn’t bad, the Badger Market adds their own take to a carbohydrate treat by adding finely chopped peppers and carrots, as well as raw broccoli chunks. While Alfredo could have been a nice topping, mayo was tagged in instead. Price it at $2.95 and you have yourself a contender!

Miniature Terrace Chairs – What could be wrong with this fun souvenir you may ask? Terrace chairs are a classic, who doesn’t love the iconic green, yellow, orange, and, wait a minute, red chairs? That’s right, the Badger Market has gone ahead and made a new color of chair, was if pricing these tiny metal toys at twelve fucking dollars wasn’t enough of a slap in the face. Bet on these to win the title and buy your grandma a decent memento with your winnings.

Red Bull – A crucial drink for any college student, and a quick pick me up before any exam, of course the Badger Market has Red Bull supplied. Use the extra energy to check your bank account, you may need to after you shell out $5.25 for what is essentially a glorified Monster.

Quinoa – We have no words.

Cream Cheese – A true tragedy, the cream cheese was so close to one of the best items sold at the Badger Market. Not only are they a delicious brand name, they sell multiple flavors from strawberry to garden vegetable. All promise is lost as one tries to spread the cream cheese on their bagel, and instantly runs out. Thinking about getting more? Get ready to pay 75 cents a pop. Truly un-American, Kraft should be ashamed to sell this despicable quantity of cream cheese at the Badger Market.

Fruit Cup – Should be named “Honey Dew Melon Cup a Grape Happened to Fall Into.”

Skull Candy Earbuds – Perfect for your emo eighth grade cousin who’s way too into South Park. The Jamaican-themed pair has truly pushed these into the running for most despicable item sold by the Badger Market.

Cold Chicken Teriyaki – It’s cold chicken teriyaki.


bottom of page