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Bassett Street Brunch Club Fights Back Against Hordes of Vicious Brunchers

One of Madison’s most preeminent brunch spots took more advanced measures this week to keep customers out. Bassett Street Brunch Club employees were spotted Monday morning installing water cannons, ultrasonic sound emitters, and other non-lethal weapons seen on Discovery Channel’s Whale Wars in strategic positions outside the restaurant, according to reports. Karen LaRoy, a representative from the restaurant, said this armament is all they can do to defend themselves from people’s repeated, innocent attempts to dine there on a nice Saturday morning. “We tried not taking reservations and telling people the wait is an hour and thirty-five minutes, but you all just keep on trying,” LaRoy said, disdainfully. LaRoy confirmed that the restaurant’s new sonic weaponry can emit tones in excess of 3 kilohertz, bursting a potential diner’s eardrums in a fraction of a second and making it considerably more difficult for them to approach the hostess and ask for a table for four. She also added that it will be unlikely for a would-be customer to even get that far, noting that their water cannons are capable of blasting patrons with pressurized water at a rate of 15 liters per second. “We can blow your ass back on the fucking pavement before you can say ‘eggs Benedict,’ asswipe,” LaRoy said, menacingly. LaRoy declined to comment when asked why the beloved restaurant doesn’t simply move shop and procure more space elsewhere in order to keep up with demand, only offering the ominous phrase “Violence is the answer” in response.

Anonymous sources say managers from Short Stack and Sunshine Cafe are currently in talks with defense contractors, presumably in hope of procuring similar weaponry.


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