top of page

Becky Blank Takes Time Out of Busy Schedule to Cough in Baby's Face

Between fighting Joe Parisi, concerned parents, and even her own students, Chancellor Blank has been screwing over a lot of people. However, this week she somehow managed to make time in her crusade for our money, to hack a solid one right in the face of a nearby child. 

“She just fuckin ruined that kid’s whole day!” said one witness. 

On the scene bystanders say that this event occurred after Chancellor Blank was having one of her usual fights with Dane County Official, Joe Parisi. The child was standing on the street, minding its own business, until Becky saw it. She rushed up to the child, pulled down her mask, and hacked out the wettest, most forceful cough this city has ever seen.

“It’s like she was wrath incarnate, I’ve never seen so much rage.” said a witness as she rocked back and forth on the ground. 

Parisi, who has been Becky’s nemesis, is in charge of keeping Dane County a healthy place, by American standards at least. As a result, he has been campaigning to get UW Madison shut down. These efforts come after several rapid Coronavirus outbreaks in literally every single frat on campus, and two entire dorms. Ever since, Mr. Parisi has been trying his best to get those plague ridden undergrads out of his city.

“I’m tired of these mother fucking undergrads, in my mother fucking city!” claimed Mr. Parisi. 

Becky Blank, on the other hand, has been fighting tooth, nail, and press release to stop the campus from closing. When Becky was asked why she felt the need to keep students on campus, she promptly headbutted the reporter and had him thrown out of the interview. When asked again, but at a safe distance, she simply replied:

“UW Madison will continue to improve and adhere to Covid-19 saftey procedures. There is no reason to be worried about the lives of your children, nor the quality of their education.” 

We will continue to update this story as Becky’s carnage grows.


bottom of page