Since launching the university’s Smart Restart plan this summer, there have been a few changes. Here’s the most current version, as per Chancellor Blank’s last email. Read carefully and uphold your legally-binding Badger Pledge!
We’re holding out for Turkey Time, but let’s be thankful for how far we’ve already gotten. A week of in-person classroom instruction is the only experience one really needs for a semester. Just enough time to realize you can’t read your professor’s handwriting and your TA isn’t hot enough to keep you coming to discussion.
Health and Safety
Yay! Buzz words!
Testing at Henry Mall (Where’s that again?)
More Frequent Testing: We’ll have people swabbing you faster than they can swipe your Wiscard
Contact Tracing: all roads lead to Greek Life
Wear a Bucky mask (it goes above your nose!)
In the classroom
Hybrid Course Delivery: “Hybrid” is our new favorite word, and we’ll keep using it even if it doesn’t apply! Too good to go to waste.
Investing in Technology: We’re using your tuition to invest heavily in cutting-edge technology, so you can subscribe to more learning services! Why use one product named with a made-up compound word when you can have TopHat, Flipgrid, AND Honorlock? Apps are fun, kids!
First-year experience: We’re also sad that freshmen are quarantined when they could be learning how to jump at football games. On the bright side, they can be the first class to actually finish the Go Big Read book!
Housing and Dining
Halls: If you’re in Sellery or Witte, we might not be your best friends right now, but your roommate surely is. Hopefully you ran to Fresh for enough Doritos to spice up your Gordon deliveries from the past two weeks!
One-Guest Policy: Your greatest excuse not to have more than one friend!
Modified Dining: Our robots are working hard learning how to catapult food in order to maintain physical distancing.
And if you’re a grad student, disregard this. It’s all the undergrads’ fault anyways; just keep hacking away at that thesis and losing your mind as a TA on BBCollaborate!
Keep in mind, students, that if we see another uptick in positive cases, I will not hesitate to send out another strongly-worded email.
I worked for Obama. Don’t test me.