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Big Umbrella User Laughs at Bitch-Baby Umbrella User

Now that Madison is in a bit of a rainy season, students are clearly starting to see the underlying hierarchy on campus: how big your umbrella is. Sophomore Megan Russo, massive umbrella owner, has recently come out as openly bullying peers with cheap Walgreen's umbrellas.

“What? I’m supposed to be ashamed of laughing at someone who can’t even cover their backpack with their umbrella? Honestly, it’s just like, stop being poor instead,” said Russo.

One student came forward as a casualty of the ridicule, saying that she was criticized during her entire walk to class by Russo, who followed closely behind using a two-tiered umbrella. “Sure, my umbrella is pretty small,” said the victim, “but I don’t think it warrants someone saying ‘Damp-ass’ and ‘the lower-class jumped out’ behind me for half a mile.”

Russo has tried to cover her tracks by saying that it’s not just small, sad umbrellas that repulse her; any sort of umbrella mishap will do the trick.

“Who am I to pass up a chance to laugh at even an umbrella being turned inside-out by the wind, cheap or not?” said Russo.  “Sometimes I’ll just stop and point at someone getting actively rained on to try to get another passersby to laugh. Sure, it makes me late to class, but it’s totally worth it.”


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