With the slow but steady erosion of our society due to the plague in full swing, world leaders have rushed to find a way to keep the peace and hold our world together by little more than sheer willpower and the occasional zoom meeting.
Dr. Rebecca Blank has recently taken the path of authoritarianism, using the milk-covered fist of Bucky Badger to keep the throngs of disease-ridden cretins known as students in line. Unfortunately for Dr. Blank, locking entire dorms full of bored, scared, and horny students together is a recipe to create pandemics, not end them. The novel coronavirus has seemingly mutated into the far worse for branding “Badger Virus”.
To combat the arrival of the first horseman of the apocalypse, the university has released a recommendation that all students eat as many fruits and vegetables as they can. For students locked in the quarantine camps, food will be provided via starship robots and the football team’s rotating gatling cannon. Both of these are being loaded with fruit that was collected from dumpsters across the city and being fired at speeds designed to “beat the sickness out.”
The announcement of the plan was met with a boost in morale in the quarantine dorms, as one dead eyed student explained, “Things can’t get worse, so what if there was a maggot in my banana this morning, that's called protein. At least it is better than those fucking bag lunches they handed out.”