Burglar Cat Steals Local Man’s Tongue

Last Tuesday night, Wiggles the cat allegedly snuck into the James and stole one of the residents tongues. The James is a popular apartment complex that boasts an impressive 1.2 stars on yelp. Despite living in the James being one of the crowning achievements of many business majors on campus, the James has a rather poor reputation when it comes to security.

Wiggles the cat allegedly entered the James after an unsuspecting resident, James Jameson, a finance major, saw him and proclaimed “ooo kitty,” before allowing him inside. 

Wiggles the cat allegedly then followed James to his apartment on the 3rd floor that costs only $1,689 a month (he got a good boy discount so it wasn’t $1,734 a month). Once James and Wiggles the cat were in the apartment, Wiggles the cat pounced on James and stole his tongue (allegedly). There was allegedly also a lot of blood and James also allegedly cried like a little bitch.

The Misomer got an allegedly exclusive interview with James the day after the attack. When asked how he felt Jake responded. “mi mfeioy gouat”. Unfortunately no one at the Misnomer speaks Gibberish since the UW Madison got rid of the Gibberish language certificate. 

When asked to clarify on his previous statement James spouted some other stupid nonsense, “owh goiu kwoll dfe pyeh!” 

The interview lasted another 15 minutes with James continuously being inconsiderate and speaking in a language that wasn’t American, which is actually very rude because this is America. After the fifth time James started shaking and crying the Misnomer decided this tongueless idiot was done. 

Wiggles the cat also spoke with the Misnomer, but we weren’t able to get much out of him either. When asked why he allegedly stole James’ tongue, the cat responded, “meow meow meow meow, meow meow… meow meow meow!” 

Our resident furry member left the Misnomer last year to become treasurer of the furry club so we were unable to translate this message. However, we believe it has something to do with sacrifice and the big evil one must be appeased or he will rise up and kill us all. 

Since our interview several more victims of tongue-burglary have come forward to share their alleged story with the total number of alleged victims of Wiggle the cat reaching 23. The Misnomer reached out for further comment but we wouldn’t understand what the response “meow meow,” meant.

On Monday Wiggle the cat will go to court and faces charges of up to 23 counts of burglary. However the court of public opinion already seems to have judged this alleged furry little burglar. 

Several people have been protesting Wiggles the cat’s arrest. One user on Reddit wrote. “Not the asshole, that cat is a savior and should be given praise.” Police are on alert after a ton of copycat tongue burglaries have taken place and they expect a large crowd of protesters at Monday’s trail. 

However, James has his own group of supporters and his own go-fund me to help raise five million dollars to replace his tongue and get his life back together. The fundraiser currently has $427 raised. Hopefully some of James' supporters will show up for him on Monday too because it would be really embarrassing if they did not, according to our crime expert, John Crimspert.

Currently Wiggles the cat is being held in air jail and not getting any treats. With the current state of the world, only time will tell what will happen to this fluffy little bastard, if the rise of copycat burglaries will continue, and if James will get his five million dollar.