US Invades Heaven after God Refuses to Lower Oil Prices

Washington – In the White House’s latest move to lower prices at the pump, President Donald Trump announced in a Truth Social post that he killed God to lower fuel prices. “God is Dead, God remains dead, and We Have killed Him With our Big, Beautiful Bombs. God has been Very Bad, maybe one of the Worst Gods ever. Quite frankly, I would make a Much Better God! The (Evil!!) Heavenly Father refused to negotiate, this is what happens to Terrorists!!! We can’t Stop Winning!!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP.” In a follow-up post, the commander-in-chief further claimed that allowing God’s son, Jesus Christ, to ascend to the Heavenly Throne would be “unacceptable,” and that the US would “handpick” the Kingdom of Heaven’s next Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

During the first wave of strikes, US warplanes easily bypassed Heaven’s omnipresent anti-air defenses. “Omnipresent anti-air systems just aren't a match for the power of Lockheed Martin and the military industrial complex,” one analyst we spoke to said. “Even omnipresent anti-air defenses were unable to penetrate American stealth technology.” After the initial F-22 and F-35 airstrikes decimated Heaven’s anti-air defenses, which happened to be located in hospitals and churches, follow-up strikes came quickly. According to self-styled “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth, hundreds of follow-up airstrikes happened in a matter of hours. According to the secretary, American warplanes targeted all “threats to American national security, from the vast angelic armies of Heaven to the infamous terrorist Mother ‘Ma’ Teresa.”

During the first wave of strikes, a Heavenly school was struck by a Tomahawk cruise missile, causing dozens of little angels to lose their wings and fall into the burning pits of hell. Messaging from the administration on the potential war crime has been mixed. At a press conference, President Trump has claimed that “Jesus Himself” may have actually bombed the school in a false-flag operation to discredit the United States. Meanwhile, Secretary Hegseth claimed on X (formerly Twitter) that “Ghandi was always a far-left lunatic with a terroristic streak,” and was instead responsible for “purchasing, arming, and launching the Tomahawk missile” at the angelic school. Experts, however, agree that an American-made missile fired during an American surprise attack suggests that America is probably responsible.

The United States has claimed that all sites used by Heaven to refine weapons-grade uranium have been obliterated. Secretary Hegseth stated that preventing God from obtaining weapons of mass destruction was actually the primary purpose of the airstrikes: “God cannot be allowed to obtain nuclear weapons or weapons of mass destruction. That’s just unacceptable. Besides, we’re sure to blow up at least one threat to our national security through preemptive retaliatory airstrikes.” Trump, however, went even further, suggesting that God should strike down Californian cities: “It’s a small price to pay for keeping the world safe, keeping our country safe,” he continued, before adding: “They can take out a city – let ‘em take, let ‘em take out Los Angeles, let ‘em take out San Diego. That’s – this is a very small price to pay. They voted Democrat, I call them ‘demoncrats,’ which is very fitting, since they're very sick people, maybe the most sick people ever.”

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth led a Pentagon prayer meeting in which he prayed for “swift, merciless destruction” against all who threaten oil prices: “Our Lord in Heaven, please give us the patience to endure high oil prices and the strength to strike down those who shall not lower oil prices.” Attendees of the prayer meeting were reportedly confused, as Hegseth appeared to be praying to the same Heavenly Father that he had just ordered airstruck that morning. 

Trump did not directly answer a reporter’s question as to whether he would send additional US servicemembers to heaven, apart from the nearly two dozen servicemembers “redeployed” to Heaven after perishing in the ongoing Iran war. However, Trump claimed that “War is hell, even when it’s in heaven, and you know, some of you are gonna die. But quite frankly, everyone’s thanking me, they’re all thanking me, for the sacrifice. They’re all begging me, they’re all saying, ‘Donald, please sacrifice me.’ They’re all begging to go to Heaven.” The US service members we reached out to for comment all declined for fear of being thrown into Secretary Hegseth’s “Goon Cave.”

The Strait to Heaven, which one-fifth of the world’s souls used to transit every day before the war, has been effectively closed due to “divine intervention” by an “act of God.” This has reportedly frustrated the President, who expected that killing God would quickly bring about a new Holy Trinity more closely aligned with American business interests. Although Trump has declared that the Strait to Heaven is “Open for business!!!" souls stuck in Purgatory have disputed this claim. They say that souls are being forced to sit in Purgatory for eternities at a time, still unable to cross into the Kingdom of Heaven. Some brave souls that have attempted to leave through the Strait to Heaven have instead been blown Straight to Hell. Indeed, one soul our reporter talked to said that his wife’s life insurance refused to pay out after she was turned into a salt pillar, since “it was an Act of God.”

The Kingdom of Heaven’s Council of Angels elected Jesus Christ, an anti-establishment hardliner, to be the next leader of the Kingdom of Heaven. Christ vowed to forgive Trump for the slaying of his father: “I died on the cross for your sins, and this is how you serve your Lord? How many souls did you save with this war? How can you love your enemies by bombing them? Where on the Ten Commandments does it say ‘Thou Shall Not Kill, Except…?’ But I forgive you, because I love you. Even those who killed my father and spit upon my teachings. I love all of you, and I pray for your salvation.” Trump claimed that Jesus’s televised broadcast from an undisclosed location “couldn’t have been Jesus, because Jesus was White.”