It’s May, and all of Madison’s horticulture enthusiasts are out tending to their gardens, starting to plant their summer crop. For Henry Chapman, a member of Brittingham Community Gardens with an overwhelming presence on the tomatoville.com forums, gardening is a way to relax and enjoy nature while providing oneself with fresh produce all summer long. But recently, Chapman has found an issue with some of the garden’s new tenants.
“They’re a bunch of fucking posers,” fumed Chapman, “they’re just flocking here ‘cause they got bored in quarantine. They have no appreciation for the art of creating a delicately, and dare I say deliciously, balanced ecosystem like I do. I could tell as soon as they sauntered through that gate with their shiny shovels and virgin Walmart Garden Center gloves, they think they’re hot shit, but I see right through ‘em.”
Chapman, who has been a gardener at Brittingham for two summers now, doesn’t believe that just anyone should be able to rent the plots of land. “They should make people take a test before they’re allowed to garden here,” says Chapman. “I’m serious. Just because you took care of a few succulents in your apartment doesn’t mean you’re cut out for this—this is the big leagues. Potted plants don’t grow weeds, and with that full-size 20 by 25 plot you’ve got there, you’re gonna be up to your dick in weeds before you can say butternut squash.”
Chapman claims he could possibly ignore the newcomers, if it weren’t for the presence of the decorations. “Don’t even get me started,” he rants, “the only accessories you should have are seed markers and the occasional trellis. But one of them has a cement handprint mold with little gems in it just sitting in her plot. Fuck you, Mary, do you realize how many carrots someone could have grown in that spot? 16. Oh wait, that’s how many a real gardener could grow, you’d probably grow 5 carrots barely the size of your husband’s...ahem, nevermind. Just take a good look at yourself in that big shiny ball you’ve also got on display, look yourself in the eyes and tell me you’re not fucking fake.”
Mary and Mike Dingle, a couple of the new gardeners that Chapman has mentioned, say that they’ve actually been avid gardeners for over 15 years. “We took a brief hiatus because we didn’t think it was possible to grow vegetables in our current living situation. But luckily we found Brittingham, and we’re so excited to get back into the hobby and become a part of such a welcoming community,” says Mary. “Now if you’ll excuse me, that man over there keeps looking in this direction, it seems he’s crying,” she says, gesturing towards a visibly infuriated Chapman.
“He must be having a hard time with his heirloom tomatoes. I’m going to go over and help. After all, I know what it’s like to be a budding gardener!”
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