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Controversial Babcock gelatin to be replaced with precious elephant ivory

Following the recent debates by the Associated Students of Madison (ASM) regarding the inclusion of beef gelatin in Babcock ice cream, UW-Madison’s Food Science department announced Thursday that the gelatin would be replaced with caramelized elephant ivory.

“We want to make sure that Babcock ice cream brings everyone at UW to the table” remarked Scott Rankin, chair of the department. “We figured that highly prized elephant ivory would be a perfect replacement; there’s no religious objection to slaughtering an elephant!”

The ivory comes from endangered elephants in Botswana who are poached for their tusks, which are then ground up to create a new form of gelatin that works the same as beef-gelatin, giving the ice cream the same smooth delicious texture without the complaints. ASM issued a statement Thursday following the decision, echoing the sentiments of the Food Science department.

“ASM has long strived to create an inclusive environment, starting at the micro level and working out” said ASM vice president Yogev Ben-Yitschak. “This decision allows everyone at UW to enjoy the ice cream. It removes the problems religious students may face with beef, and for vegetarians, I guess the tusk isn’t really a part of the elephant, is it? It kinda just chills on the elephants face like a really large, hard cold sore.”

“I wasn’t anti gelatin to begin with,” said Freshman ice cream connoisseur Mike Markle. “But woah, this tusk stuff is really badass. They’re just so majestic and it’s pretty hardcore to say you’ve eaten their tusks.”

The Food Science department remarked that if caramelized elephant ivory proved unsuccessful, they would then move to their back-up plan of seal blubber.


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