Unlike most coronavirus testing sites, UW Madison’s University Health Services makes students swab themselves. Why? Because they’re a bunch of pervy practitioners who get off on watching youths shove an oversized q-tip up their nostrils.
UHS COVID test administrators have alarmed students mid-swab with salacious remarks, including, but not limited to, “Do it slower,” “Look me in the eyes,” and “Deeper.” One concerned student reported that his UHS administrator repeatedly asked him to say her name while he was swabbing himself. “I felt like just a hole,” the student told the Misnomer.
An anonymous tipster contacted the Misnomer after overhearing a UHS practitioner saying that the Witte/Sellery lockdown provided unfettered access to freshmen’s face holes and “so much free entertainment.” It's no coincidence that as coronavirus cases in Dane County have continued to spike, Pornhub premium subscriptions in the area have steadily declined.
UHS’ questionable testing procedures have disturbed many, and maybe even excited some. Nevertheless, we are thankful for free, accessible testing and appreciate their hard work, even if it gives them a hard-on.