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Desperate Student Eyes Up Pumpkin in the Bedroom

Things have been a little dry in the love life of university student, Stacey Hutchinson. Ever since the pandemic began, Stacey has been having a difficult time meeting partners who match her personal preferences of orange bumpy skin and a round, boisterous body type. So, she has turned to seasonal decor.

“I don’t know, the idea just came to me one day. Me and my gals were just having some girl talk, and I was telling them about my ideal man: doesn’t talk, left-leaning political views, likes tea lit candles, sits out on my porch until I bring him in...just like, normal stuff that a normal gal wants, yanno? And they told me, ‘Stacey, that kind of sounds like...a pumpkin…’ and I haven’t seen a man since!”

Stacey has also shared with us that she has an anonymous persona on Wattpad, shifting from writing Draco Malfoy fanfic, to exclusively writing pumpkin fanfiction for her large following. Her username, which she agreed to share with us, @twopumpsanddone, has also been found on many Halloween enthusiast forums, asking if any locals had any leftover, pre-carved pumpkins they were willing to donate for “compost” for “personal reasons.”

“Life has just been so much less stressful ever since I turned to pumpkins. They don’t require much take care of them or to...use them,” she trails off.

After that, Stacey refused to comment further, nor let us photograph any of the pumpkins in her possession.


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