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Eleven spooktacular sex acts for you + your boo

Alright, Badgers. You know it, I know it, so let’s just say it: This Halloween, the only sweet you’ll be going door to door asking for is that sweet puss. With that in mind, here are eleven new ways to pumpkin spice it up in the bedroom this holiday!

1. The Monster Mash: You’re just a trip to Friendly’s + a willing participant away from mastering this spooky classic! Once you’ve acquired some of their classic Monster Mash sundaes, rub cold mint chocolate chip ice cream over your lover + mash your genitals together to the beat of repetitive, kid-friendly Halloween tunes. For added excitement, chant “He did the mash” constantly until you both climax.

2. The Graveyard Smash: If you’re tired of the Monster Mash, you might be ready to take it up a notch! For this one, all you crazy kids need is a nearby graveyard + a can-do attitude! Just break into the nearest resting place of the deceased, then smash that ass! It’s that simple!

3. The Mary Shelley: For the sluttiest of goth intellectuals, may I present the Mary Shelley, which has only ever been attained by a select few, including the legendary Frankenstein author herself. For this one, it helps to have experienced tragedy at a young age which has left you deeply + psychologically scarred, but anyone patient enough to find the right freaky fuck buddy can do it: All you need to do is lose your virginity on your mother’s grave. I don’t know why more people don’t do it!

4. The Bates Hoe-tel: If you’re a sexual adventurer on a budget, try the Bates Hoe-tel. Find the cheapest, creepiest highway-side motel you can, + book a room right next to the front office. Have your lover clean up + prepare to get dirty in the shower, until you, dressed up like an old lady, interrupt them with a giant knife. You’ll have your baby screaming your name in no time! Bonus points for incorporating chocolate syrup, tar pits, or taxidermy birds.

5. The Jason Whore-hees: For all my slasher fans out there, the Jason Whore-hees might be the spookiest orgasm you ever have! Just drive your honey out to an abandoned summer camp (preferably one with a dark past riddled with untimely deaths + bloodshed), throw on a hockey mask (+ nothing else, of course), + get down to business. Depending on how adventurous you’re feeling, you can even incorporate bloody weapons, dark forest chases, mommy issues, + as many pretty young girls as you can get in one place + penetrate repeatedly. Go wild!

6. The Texas Chain Saw Assacre: Finally, an easy way to combine off-roading, Halloween, + sex! Find an abandoned farmhouse – if it seems like there are probably bodies buried under the floorboards, you’ve got exactly the right atmosphere. Get dirty, literally, by getting down on that dusty, cobwebby floor. Make sure you bring your red corn syrup along, so you can suck blood off your partner’s body until you’re ready to smash that ass like it’s your twisted, psychological compulsion.

7. The Hole in the Tongue-geon: For a very Harry Potter Halloween, get out your sexiest loincloth + have your friends prepare their spellcasting voices. The troll has the hole, + everyone else wants to get him in their tongue-geon, if you know what I mean. This one can be intimidating for beginners, but done right, it’ll give you your biggest leviOsa of the season.

8. The Hocus Poke Us: Here’s one from the ‘90s people only liked ironically until it all got out of hand. Decide who wants to be the “witch” + who’s going to play the innocent child getting their soul sucked out for laughs. The witch gets a wand + starts poking until you crazy kids find your favorite hole. Then it’s off to the races!

9. The Humpkin: It’s time to finally put your Jack-o’-lantern skills to practical use! First, find a pumpkin, + remember: size matters! You want your humpkin to be small enough to comfortably mount, but sturdy enough to withstand your “advances,” you wild animal you. Next, empty it out, just like a Jack-o’-lantern. Finally, carve a hole + get humping! That’s right. Fuck that pumpkin. Fuck it gooood, boy. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can even light a candle on the inside for a little extra romance.

10. The Dick-or-Treat: Have you been looking for a way to combine the pleasures of sex with the good, old-fashioned excitement of finding out what you got for Halloween? Look no further! Simply cut a hole in a plastic Jack-o’-lantern, then fill it with fun-sized candy bars + your genitals! Then have your honey reach inside + see what they grab.

11. The MasturBOOtion: If you’re spending this Halloween in a couple’s costume for one, looking to put some fun in your fun-size Butterfingers, the MasturBOOtion is for you! Record ghosty noises, then set them up to play from around the room while you masturbate! You’re not alone forever if the eternal damned are trapped in your apartment, right? Right?

Well, there you have it Badgers. Go forth + get freaky!


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